This is a blog about our journey of adoption from the beginning;
typed by me, written by God.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Moving Through

It's very interesting to me how so many people tell me that I'm strong in how I'm handling everything. I give all the credit to God. He doesn't give us more than we can handle, that's for sure! I lost my baby brother when I was 5. I love remembering that time though and thinking about him happy and healthy in Heaven. Now our baby daughter is perfect in Heaven too, playing with her uncle! I love thinking about that. It's so comforting to me. I know God is helping us through this. Sometimes I break down, sure, but I know that He is always there comforting me. My husband's loving arms and even his words comfort me daily and I feel so blessed to have him in my life. We are walking a hard road, but we believe that God has a baby for us and that He will show us to that baby in His timing. I no longer feel a weight on my heart while waiting for a child. Of course I want one soon, but I believe, now more than ever, that He will bless us with a child someday.

I've been reading Job lately and it's mind-boggling how, with all his loss, he still fell to the ground and worshipped God. Of course he was sad and cried out, but he never doubted God was in charge and he knew God would get Him through.

Job tried to understand why God would allow these things to happen to him. He wept and wished he was never born. But he never once cursed God and that's what proves his love for and faith in God.
Eliphaz the Temanite said to him: "But if I were you, I would appeal to God; I would lay my cause before him. He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted. He provides rain for the earth; he sends water on the countryside. The lowly he sets on high, and those who mourn are lifted to safety." - Job 5:8-11
It's easy for him to say that to Job because he's looking onto Job's life but not sympathizing with him; he's telling him to stay focused on God. Job is upset, but mostly with his life, not with God. Eliphaz and the others don't see the difference.

Then, he cries out to the Lord asking what sins he has committed to be treated this way. He again asks why God allows him to go through this. But he knows God's anger. He knows not to argue with God even if he was innocent. He says "Even if I were innocent, my mouth would condemn me; if I were blameless, it would pronounce me guilty." - Job 9:20

He does feel sorry for himself because he's become the laughing stock of all his friends. He tells those trying to comfort him that they are horrible comforters. They say these things because they aren't in his place. Job replies to them and says "Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you. Accept instruction from his mouth and lay his words in your heart." -Job 22: 21-22

Then God spoke to Job and Job knew he was unworthy to question Him. And Job replied that he knew God was worthy and a wonderful God. And the Lord blessed Job with twice as much as he had in the beginning and Job worshiped God and continued to thank Him.

I'm also reading "Holding Onto Hope" by Nancy Guthrie; my good friend, Holly, lent it to me and it's amazing. She talks about her struggle of losing her baby daughter and visits the Book of Job throughout the whole thing. It's been very enlightening.

In the "about" section they mention that she says that her decision to trust in God is a daily choice, not a onetime sacrifice, and that some days such submission is easier to embody than others. I'm learning this too. I'm trying to follow God closer and more now than I used to.

I have my ups and downs now; some times and days are better than others. I've started babysitting again and it's nice to be around kids that love me. I know God is fully in control of my life as well as Caleb's; and we know that He has a baby in mind for us. We just need to wait on Him and His timing. And we are glad that our daughter isn't hurting and that we will see her again someday in Heaven  :-)

We love you dear Alyssa Michelle. Lord, thank you for giving us our own guardian angel and for having her help us grow closer to You!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Alyssa Michelle

Our precious baby girl got her angel wings and got to meet Jesus early this morning. We were just informed about an hour ago. She was on morphine so she didn't suffer and we are told that the nurses held her and loved on her until Jesus took her into His arms.

July 24, 2012 - August 19, 2012

Dear Lord, please tell our baby girl that we love her. We are so thankful that she didn't have to suffer very long and that you hold her now. We know she is in a much better place now and that we will see her someday! Thank you for all our friends and family who have loved us, prayed for us, and comforted us so much in this time. Please remind Alyssa that we love her and tell her about how much we desired to meet her; but that we know we will meet her when we are all perfect in heaven! Amen.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Hurt and the Healer

A good friend told me about the new song by MercyMe called The Hurt and The Healer. I've listened to it a few times and it has blessed me. Here's the video:

This past week has been a huge roller coaster of emotions. Last Thursday we got the call that there was a baby girl who might be matched with us. We learned of her special needs and I went home to learn more about them. We prayed about it and waited to hear back from the agency. We heard from them Monday morning. That day was a long day, but at the end of it we were waiting to hear back that the birthmom selected us. Tuesday morning we got the call that this baby girl was ours. We left that night for PA. Drove all through the night except for about 2 hours of sleep at a rest stop. About 7am we got a call from the agency again and learned that our baby girl wouldn't make it much longer...

We have been home for a day and a half now and it's different. I longed to be home, but it's painful at the same time. The decorated nursery; the bassinet waiting for a baby in our room; the baby clothes, blankets, and other items we packed and took with us, etc. I've been told that I'm so strong many times by many people over these past few days. Though I really don't feel that way. I've broken down many times; thankfully my husband's loving arms are always there to hold me as well as Jesus'. I feel the love of Him surround me a lot through all this.

I've been wavering back and forth about whether we made the right decision in turning around and coming home. At first (and most of the day Wednesday) I felt it was the right thing to do. Most of yesterday and today I'm feeling guilty of not going because maybe I just didn't want more hurt... Caleb believes that she wouldn't be alive by the time we got there and that would hurt so much more. If she was, there's nothing we could do besides wait by her side (without her knowing what's going on since she's fading fast) and plan her funeral.
The truth is, we believe that this is what God is telling us to do. Our baby is still alive. She is in hospice in a baby hospital now and is in a mostly vegetative state at this point. She's not in pain; but she's not quite home yet.

Caleb and I have been talking about her and God a lot the past few days. The hubby believes that God was testing our faith to see if we would be "crazy" enough to jump. Take a leap of faith and go adopt this baby girl with all her special needs. Jump into this life of raising a baby who may not walk, and might have other problems. We did. He decided that He needed her home more than we needed her here. As much as it hurts, we know that it's all His will. Caleb also believes that God will provide us with another baby soon. Perhaps even a "normal" one with no special needs because He knows we are willing to accept anything He gives us.

Today I've been struggling because I was looking forward to all the challenges that were to come in raising a baby with special needs. I was excited to learn more about her. To do all I could to help her with Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, etc and watch her get a little better. I was eager to bond with her and show her how much we wanted her and loved her.

I pray that Jesus will take her home soon so she doesn't have to suffer at all any longer here on earth. I pray that He will wrap her in His arms and tell her how much we love her and how much we longed to have her in our family. Even though she's not "ours" legally, we feel that she is. We've decided that her name is Alyssa Michelle and that she will always be our child.

I remember last year when a good friend experienced the loss of her own baby, I reminded her of these verses:
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

This is a very comforting to me right now as well. I'm also reminded of a comment my sister told me a few years ago, "When you're feeling further away from God, guess who moved." So convicting and it's helping me to keep focused on Him and not turn away or doubt His plans for our lives.

Please pray for us as we continue to move through this. We thank God for everyone's prayers and feel extremely loved, supported and comforted. Thank you.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Our Baby

Our precious baby girl, Alyssa Michelle, gets to go home, to Jesus. As we were on the way to PA this morning, passing through Abilene, TX, we got a call from the agency worker who spoke with the doctors this morning. 
Our baby isn't able to breathe well anymore, she has lost the ability to swallow, and has some other problems that just came up overnight. We had to make a hard decision this morning for her... Prolong her life artificially with surgery and an iv, etc (which would be more painful for her - and she still probably won't make it through) or make her as comfortable as possible and let her go home to her Father. We decided to keep her as comfortable as possible. Since we haven't signed the papers, nothing is legal. She is still "Baby Girl" at the hospital and is in custody of the state, but we believe she is ours (emotionally at least).

We decided to turn around and go home because it's likely that she won't make it until we get there. If she did, her body would be mostly shut down that we would mostly be up there to say goodbye to her. We feel God is telling us that we need to go home and process through this. We will have the next 3 days together before the hubby goes back to work.
We are almost back home... tired (as we drove nearly through the night except for 2 hours of sleep on the side of the road), sad and yet rejoicing that she will be happy and healthy with Jesus.

We didn't get to meet you here, but we will meet you someday in heaven our dear baby girl! We love you!!
 Please keep us in your prayers as we look to God and move through this. We believe everything happens in His will and timing. Caleb believes that He has a better plan for us and our future child(ren). Even though we can't see it now, we know He will get us through and lead us to our perfect child someday.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Baby's Room

We have been selected by an agency for a baby girl! We sent our Profile Book to them and are waiting on the birthmom to choose us. If she does, we will be flying to the East Coast to get our baby this week! She's 2 1/2 weeks old and we are hoping we get her.

Please keep us in your prayers as we move through this time eagerly. Pray for peace for our hearts and how we will cover the travel expenses if we go.

I finished the baby's room (just got our crib today from some friends!) and so here's the room:

Corner with shelves and closet (far right)

Baby crib and decorations on the wall  :-)

Changing table and dresser

Another angle of the room

Other corner (with Blaze - he has to be in all my pictures!!)

Walking into the room (Kaylee decided she wanted to be in the picture too!)

Walking into the room  :-)

I also finished our PDF profile book. I'll post it soon!!

Thanks for your prayers!