This past week has been a huge roller coaster of emotions. Last Thursday we got the call that there was a baby girl who might be matched with us. We learned of her special needs and I went home to learn more about them. We prayed about it and waited to hear back from the agency. We heard from them Monday morning. That day was a long day, but at the end of it we were waiting to hear back that the birthmom selected us. Tuesday morning we got the call that this baby girl was ours. We left that night for PA. Drove all through the night except for about 2 hours of sleep at a rest stop. About 7am we got a call from the agency again and learned that our baby girl wouldn't make it much longer...
We have been home for a day and a half now and it's different. I longed to be home, but it's painful at the same time. The decorated nursery; the bassinet waiting for a baby in our room; the baby clothes, blankets, and other items we packed and took with us, etc. I've been told that I'm so strong many times by many people over these past few days. Though I really don't feel that way. I've broken down many times; thankfully my husband's loving arms are always there to hold me as well as Jesus'. I feel the love of Him surround me a lot through all this.
I've been wavering back and forth about whether we made the right decision in turning around and coming home. At first (and most of the day Wednesday) I felt it was the right thing to do. Most of yesterday and today I'm feeling guilty of not going because maybe I just didn't want more hurt... Caleb believes that she wouldn't be alive by the time we got there and that would hurt so much more. If she was, there's nothing we could do besides wait by her side (without her knowing what's going on since she's fading fast) and plan her funeral.
The truth is, we believe that this is what God is telling us to do. Our baby is still alive. She is in hospice in a baby hospital now and is in a mostly vegetative state at this point. She's not in pain; but she's not quite home yet.
Caleb and I have been talking about her and God a lot the past few days. The hubby believes that God was testing our faith to see if we would be "crazy" enough to jump. Take a leap of faith and go adopt this baby girl with all her special needs. Jump into this life of raising a baby who may not walk, and might have other problems. We did. He decided that He needed her home more than we needed her here. As much as it hurts, we know that it's all His will. Caleb also believes that God will provide us with another baby soon. Perhaps even a "normal" one with no special needs because He knows we are willing to accept anything He gives us.
Today I've been struggling because I was looking forward to all the challenges that were to come in raising a baby with special needs. I was excited to learn more about her. To do all I could to help her with Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, etc and watch her get a little better. I was eager to bond with her and show her how much we wanted her and loved her.
I pray that Jesus will take her home soon so she doesn't have to suffer at all any longer here on earth. I pray that He will wrap her in His arms and tell her how much we love her and how much we longed to have her in our family. Even though she's not "ours" legally, we feel that she is. We've decided that her name is Alyssa Michelle and that she will always be our child.
I remember last year when a good friend experienced the loss of her own baby, I reminded her of these verses:
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18
This is a very comforting to me right now as well. I'm also reminded of a comment my sister told me a few years ago, "When you're feeling further away from God, guess who moved." So convicting and it's helping me to keep focused on Him and not turn away or doubt His plans for our lives.
Please pray for us as we continue to move through this. We thank God for everyone's prayers and feel extremely loved, supported and comforted. Thank you.